Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Terrorism Alert Update

The British.....

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in
Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even
"A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940
when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized
from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance."

The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was
during the great fire of 1666.

The French.....

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France
are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white
flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has
increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate
Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations"
and "Change Sides."

The Germans.....

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

The Belgians.....

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish.....

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass
bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old
Spanish navy.

The Americans.....

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their
allies, just in case.

The New Zealanders.....

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!".
Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the
airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and
the navy some toy boats in the Prime
Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which
is "Shut, I hope Australia will come end
riscue us".

In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in
a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

The Aussies.....

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
"She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation
levels remain, "Strewth!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this
weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". There
has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final
escalation level.

Nicked from alt.books.dean-koontz, with thanks to Bigbazzza

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